Interesting use of the food port

The disciplinary reports I get sometimes make me laugh.  The things these inmates do cannot be made up.  I don't know about you, but I am not that creative.

So, we had an officer working in seg.  In order to feed the inmates, we have a food port we open and slip the food through.  Well, this particular inmate came up with quite the comeback for an officer he wasn't happy with.  He stuck his bare butt in the food port and farted just as the officer opened the food port.  Seriously, who thinks up and does something like that?  Though the officer was not happy, the rest of us got quite the laugh out of it.  I don't think he will ever live that one down.


Another incident where drugs has obviously messed with the mind of someone.  We had an offender that is known for using drugs.  The guy was so out of it that he had it in his head that he was sitting inside his cell even though he was in the dayroom.

So this inmate then proceeds to smoke some spice, thinking he is being all sneaky.  Of course he is doing this in front of everyone.  Then, to draw even more attention, he drops down into a seizure in the middle of the dayroom for the world to see.

When officers and medical came onto the tier to help him out, he still had it in his head that he was in his cell and had been the whole time.  Even after coming out of the seizure and returning to normal (for him anyway), he is still convinced that everything happened in the cell.  He isn't old or anything, just thoroughly messed in the head I guess and I don't suppose being in prison that the drugs he still uses are of any real quality.  Who knows what all is in anything he is smokin'.

It has spread through the facility lately like wildfire.  They can make it here pretty easily.  I have to ask why.  So far, we have seen many offenders end up in seizures and throwing up all over the place.  I mean, if you are going to risk it all to get high, shouldn't it at least be a fun high?  I don't know about you, but to me, seizures and barfing doesn't seem like any fun.

Family of the thin gray line

You know when someone talks about the thin blue line they are talking about police officers.  Did you know corrections has its own color?  We are the thin gray line.  We may be a different color, but we are still a tight nit family.

Today I want to show my support of those injured on the job so far this year.  I support all those ever injured on the job, but for some reason, some of the recent attacks have hit closer to home.  We love you all and are standing behind you!  We pray that you recover quickly both physically and mentally.  For those we lost, we pray for your families during this horrible time.  For the rest of you, be careful and watch you backs.  Don't ever let your guard down!

The little things

Most of these inmates are pretty good at what they do.  They are all here for different reasons but for the most part, they are here because they are good manipulators.  After all, that is how you survive in prison.  Being in prison doesn't exactly encourage honesty.

It's easy to allow yourself to be manipulated by these guys.  I see it all the time.  Even well seasoned officers fall into that trap.  To really be good at your job, you need to be able to spot manipulation.  None of us are perfect at it, but you must always be on the lookout.

A couple of months ago, I was working in a unit with an inmate that I had a feeling was manipulating staff quite well.  He is Mexican and always had someone with him to interpret for him.  We were told he didn't speak a lick of English.  This particular inmate had been in prison for years and yet had not learned to speak any English.  To me, that seems a great way to become fluent in any language.  Surround yourself with it all the time and you naturally absorb it.  Something just didn't seem right about it.  When we spoke, his eyes said to me that he did in fact at least understand English.  I seemed to be the only one that thought he was taking us on a ride but something just didn't sit right with me and he knew it.  I told him I knew he understood just fine.

Fast forward a few months and I begin working in a new unit.  A unit that he had at some point been moved to.  Funny thing, he spoke to me in perfect English from that very first time I saw him on. When I say perfect English, I mean it.  No accent, advanced words, and better grammar than most English speakers I know.  I would not be surprised to find out that English was actually his first language.

I think he gives me respect because he knows I didn't fall for his trick.  He knows I enjoy my job and am at least decent at it.  I have learned to pay attention to all the little things and not become complaisant.  You can't in this job because that is when the little things go unnoticed and later turn to big things.  Pay attention to all around you and trust your gut!  No matter what any one tells you, if something feels off, it probably is.  For me, this wasn't a big deal but for many officers, something like this could save your life.  A split second could make all the difference.  Don't allow that difference to be a bad thing.

Anything for commissary

In prison, the inmates are not allowed money.  They do have some on their "books" (online account) so they can buy things like stamps and food but they aren't allowed to carry any on them.  Because of that, commissary (where they buy their food) becomes their main method of payment.    They use commissary to pay for just about anything.  It is against the rules, but these guys aren't here for following rules in the first place.

We had one inmate that had paid another for some, ahem, lovins.  I am sure you know where this is going.  Anyway, the inmate that received the payment was worried that because he is straight and not attracted to men in any way that he would not be able to get it up.  He solution however, was rather um, well mind boggling.

In order to be able to get it up and keep it up, he decided to stick a pencil up his urethra.  That's right, he took getting a wood a little too seriously.  He shoved the whole darn pencil inside of himself!!!  He thought he would be able to keep it up better and he really wanted that commissary.

Then, when he couldn't get it back out, he tried using another pencil to get it out!  Needless to say, that only made matters worse.  He ended up having to be transported to the hospital for emergency surgery.

Can you imagine?  The very thought makes me tremble and shutter.  Ugh.  Seriously?  That is usually a man's pride and joy.  Like pathetically so.  What in the world makes you think that is possibly a good idea?  As if looking at any of the porn laying all over the prison of women wouldn't be a much better idea.  I can think of a million other ways that are so much better.  How in the...  I just don't even know.  I do not get these guys.  Cream of the crop right here.

And, here's your sign.

Radio traffic

We had an inmate PC up yesterday.  What that means is that he was threatened and could no longer live on the tier.  The first officer (we will call him officer A) to talk with the inmate was not able to get any names from him.  I began speaking with him and was able to get a name out of him.  I had an idea of who it was any way and it turned out to be true.

So, officer A began the paperwork to have this inmate moved while I began our much needed tier checks.  None of us had ear pieces in at the time as it was after dayrooms were closed so we don't tend to wear them at that point.

Just as I was on the tier belonging to this particular inmate and just so happened to be walking past the cell belonging to the inmate that threatened him, officer A got on the radio and announced that the inmate was PCing up and which name he had named.  Think about that for a minute.  One simple sentence just put the life of this inmate in danger.  The inmate he ratted on is a heavy in a gang.  He will spread the word and this inmate will not be safe anywhere.  Officer A is a veteran officer.  He has been working in this prison for nearly a decade.  He knows better.

I simply got onto the radio and advised him of where I was.  He knew immediately what he had done.  Only time will tell what will become of it.  Hopefully he was not heard, but I highly doubt it.  These guys have nothing better to do than watch us and listen, especially when they know something is going on.

You work in a prison!

I have been seeing a trend lately that really worries me.  This trend seems to come from naive people,  mostly new C/Os as well as many case managers.  So what is the trend?  Trust.  Too much trust.

We work in a prison.  The guys aren't here for being upstanding citizens.  Some made some minor mistakes but most have made a life out of crime.  Many are deadly and usually the most deadly are the ones that come across as innocent because they are so great at manipulation.  They manipulate you to get information and even contraband at times.  They seem so sweet but underneath they are rotten to the very core.  It's tough to tell which ones are rotten at times.  You MUST keep your guard up at all times.

What makes this worse is not only are you endangering yourself, but others.  I have seen many C/Os and case managers release personal information to inmates about other C/Os that could easily get them killed, or even their families.  Why?  Why in the world do you find a need to release personal information about other people to dangerous inmates?  Are you trying to be friends with them?  If so, you are working in the wrong place.

You chose to work in a prison.  That means you are choosing a dangerous life, but no need to make it more dangerous for those you work with.  Don't release information you don't need to.  DO NOT put the lives of your co-workers on the line because you are lonely and want to feel liked by these guys.  If you are that desperate, you need to find a new career before you get someone killed.